What I know about the computer game Minecraft could be written on the back of a postage stamp. Going into A Minecraft Movie, I thought I would learn what it was all about. What I left the film with is an utter feeling of dread and despair. If this is the future of cinema, then I am riddled with sadness. This was an almighty mess that obviously played to those who love the game, who seemed to be lapping up every moment with spontaneous rounds of applause in the screening I attended. I did start clapping…once it was over.

A portal has opened between the real world and a wonderland made of cubes, and four misfits find themselves up against the various creatures and creations with the help of a human inhabitant called Steve, who tries to guide them to safety while avoiding the dangers that they must face to survive this world.

As far as I understand, the concept of the popular game was a place where you could build your creations around cubes. As a player, I was made aware that it was much more than just a computer version of Lego. There are stories and worlds to explore, so I guess that if this format of taking popular games and toys and turning them into movies has worked in the past, then why not this? Yet, looking at previous hits, like The Lego Movie and Barbie, what made them so successful was substantial and often funny scripts, inventive plots, and never treating their audience as if they had no understanding of their existence. A Minecraft movie ignores all of that, so we have a film with a terrible script and a plot that doesn’t even attempt to make any sense, forgetting every member of the audience who might not know a thing about the game.

Instead, catchphrases and events within the game are celebrated, with the knowing audience shouting back at the screen and applauding when something familiar appears. Think of The Room, but only for those in the know. The rest of the time, the film is nothing more than an excuse for noise, chaos and often moments that sit uncomfortably in what purports to be a family movie (a scene in which Steve and new arrival Garrett have to find a way of getting through a tight hole while the pair are flying is one that I would discover awkward trying to explain to a young child).

This film is aimed at a ready audience of fans but won’t convert anyone to join the army of players already out there. Instead, it seems to alienate them at every opportunity, but they still want you to buy into this world and any other product placements they want to crow-bar at you. In one scene, a character hits an escaped character with her car and, in the speech she makes to the victim, gives a complete and detailed title of her car, which makes no sense and is obviously a way of paying for this mess and this actress’s wages.

Which brings us to the cast. Jason Mamoa, looking for something to do outside of being Aquaman, plays Garrett, an 80s games player lost in time and hanging on to his former glories. He plays against type dressed like a WWE wrestler from the 90s, yet it lacks any of the usual charm he did bring to his fish-man character. Jennifer Coolidge plays the assistant head of a school, and like most of the roles she plays, she is the newly divorced woman looking for any kind of love. There are the odd moments when she brings a smile, but they are few and far between. Then we have Jack Black.

When Jack Black is good, he is terrific. When he is bad, he is annoying, and here he is very annoying. It’s the most Jack Black that he can be, playing Steve, from the over-the-top walk and reaction to things to the rock tracks he bursts into song with. Think of his performance in School of Rock but trebled. Sometimes, subtle Jack Black works better.

A Minecraft Movie will work for those familiar with this world. For everyone else, it’s like being insulted because you haven’t bought into it. It is loud, incoherent and just a sad reflection that Hollywood doesn’t care about letting everyone have a good time in a slice of escapism. It’s a cash cow for those who have already paid a large amount into the game. Maybe I don’t understand this world, but I know entertainment, and this isn’t it.

1 out of 5

Director: Jared Hess

Starring: Jason Momoa, Jack Black, Sebastian Hansen, Emma Myers, Danielle Brooks, Jennifer Coolidge, Rachel House

Written by: Neil Widener, Gavin James, Chris Galletta, (also story) Chris Bowman, Hubbel Palmer and (story) Alison Schroeder.

Running Time: 101 mins

Cert: PG

Release date: 4th April 2025