The Bottom Ten of 2013

In this universe, there is always an opposite. So while we wallow in the greatness of 2013, we should also stick two fingers up at the barrel scrapping of the past 12 months too. The turkeys. The slime. The worst of the worst. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I give you my bottom ten of 2013.

10. The Counsellor

This should have been in the top ten list considering the people involved. A five-star cast filled with Oscar winners and nominees, one of the best directors around and a script by a Pulitzer Prize winning author. Instead, this muddled, confused and baffling mess is one of the year’s biggest disappointments.

9. Planes

Sandwiched between Wreck-It-Ralph and Frozen came Disney’s laziest movie to date. A virtual remake of Cars but Planes instead of four-wheel vehicles, and lacking anything close to decent characters, an interesting script and funny jokes. It took four and a half years to make. Maybe someone should have said something during that time.

8. Pain And Gain

In the hands of another director, this comedy heist could have been quirky, strange and very funny. In the hands of Michael Bay, it was a slap in the face with about as much subtly as Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball. It left Mark Walhberg shouting every line and no one else with an ounce of dignity.

7. Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

A perfect example of how time has moved on. Jackass was incredibly silly but very funny. This variation with Johnny Knoxville as an old man taking his “grandson” across country and getting into trouble with outrageous stunts barely raised a smile and then things got really desperate when the ending was a rip off of the superior Little Miss Sunshine.

6. Good Day To Die Hard

Not a good year for Bruce Willis. Dropped from The Expendables 3 (for wanting far too much money), he sleep walked through G.I. Joe: Retaliation and Red 2 but the worst example of his effortless acting style came in this pointless and generally awful fifth outing of John McClaine. Please, no more.

5. The Hangover Part III

When a director, who has worked on the previous films, has no confidence in the film and so dumps the comedy for a thriller, you know you are in a dangerous place. The boys are all back but this time with less laughs than the previous outing and that’s hard to do when number two was so bad. Bradley Cooper obviously knows he’s making better things when he doesn’t even try.

4. Texas Chainsaw

Or the year’s most pointless remake (along with Carrie). Just an opportunity to have victims lose their limbs in 3D, the film makers need to go back to the original and see what made it such a classic with a drop of blood being spilled. Another nail in the coffin of horror as we know it.

3. A Haunted House

Spoof comedies are incredibly hard to do well and with a succession of people attempting and failing miserably, it was this by-the-numbers spoof of the Paranormal Activity style found footage horrors that failed to deliver a single laugh, unless you were 5-year-old and found farting hilarious.

2. Diana

The most ill-judged movie of the year, this biopic of the last years of Princess Diana’s life wasn’t so much bad more boring. It had Naomi Watts doing her best Diana impression but with lines like “Can someone die of a broken heart?” you just wanted the film to go away. Luckily it did but we still have the thrill of the DVD release to come. Watts shot herself in the foot by storming out of an interview for no reason whatsoever. Could be the last we see of her for a while.

1. Movie 43

I said I would eat my hat if a worst film ever came out this year. I knew I was onto a sure thing as this star-studded so-called comedy was, without a doubt, the most awful thing ever to grace the silver screen. We still don’t know how so many big names came out to star in this unbelievably dire mess. No one liked it and no one ever will.

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