Bottom Ten Of 2014

While it has been a terrific year for films, among the good have been some real stinkers. It’s hard to understand how they were even green lit, only to be inflicted on us poor cinema going folk, who then paid good money, hoping they would entertain. Wrong!

Before I get to the worst of the year, here are some of the titles that just missed out but deserved to be there.

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones; Lone Survivor; Delivery Man; Grudge Match; That Awkward Moment; 300: Rise Of An Empire; Transcendence; Bad Neighbours; Sabotage; A Million Ways To Die In The West; The Expendables 3; What If; Into The Storm; Hector And The Search For Happiness; Let’s Be Cops; Sex Tape; The Rewrite; Annabelle; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Horrible Bosses 2

And now, what I consider to be, the worst ten of the year. Hold onto your noses, cos they are real stinkers!

10. I, Frankenstein

A modern realisation of the Frankenstein tale with Aaron Eckhart as the monster battling a bored looking Bill Nighy. The effects were awful, the idea didn’t work and the whole thing was a mess. You did wonder who persuaded Eckhart to take this role. Blackmail can be a powerful thing.

9. Need For Speed

Fans of the Fast And Furious were given this while they waited for number 7. Not much of a replacement, really, as Aaron Paul drove fast, looked moody and then drove fast some more. Mindless doesn’t come close.

8. Grace Of Monaco

You do wonder if the film makers went out to make a bad film here, as Nicole Kidman plays the title role of Grace Kelly in a film full of inaccuracies. Melodramatic to the point of bizarre, it became increasingly duller as it went on.

7. The Other Woman

Not a great year for Cameron Diaz, what with Sex Tape as well as this pile of tripe which rips of The First Wives Club, make Leslie Mann screech the whole way through and just isn’t funny. If I was a woman I would be massively insulted.

6. Ouija

One-dimensional characters, a lead called Trevor and about as scary as standing in front of a friend and going “Boo!”. This made me so angry as horror has really gone down the toilet. What makes it worse is that The Babadook was hidden away because this came out the same time. All kinds of wrong there!

5. Transformers – Age Of Extinction

Well done, Michael Bay, on exceeding yourself and giving us a three-hour visual nightmare. Flashy, trashy, empty-headed, even a cast change from the first three couldn’t save this from being a bum-numbing bore. More are to come. Don’t think I could take anymore.

4. Mrs Brown’s Boys: D’Movie

I am pretty sure that half an hour of Mrs Brown is enough but at 90 minutes, it lack that one vital ingredient for a good comedy. Jokes! It felt like going back to the 70’s to watch that all time low of TV spin-off, Holiday On The Buses. Except Holiday On The Buses was funnier!

3. Walking On Sunshine

A vomit-inducing Mamma Mia wannabe about two sisters falling for the same man. The 80’s songs were performed with the same gusto as someone eating a whole bag of sugar. The acting was dire, the musical numbers excruciating. It was like watching a terrifying nightmare.

 2. Pudsey The Dog – The Movie

I never thought there would be any film this year to beat this from the number 1 spot…but there is. The dancing dog from Britain’s Got Talent, reduced to walking backwards and chasing its tail in a ludicrous plot involving John Sessions overacting. Dire slapstick and dire acting, you wished the Chuckle Brothers would arrive to save it.

1. Nativity 3: Dude, Where’s My Donkey?

An all-time low for the British film industry. The first film, I liked. The second was awful but this is rock bottom. Charmless, witless and with a central song and dance sequence that looked like a badly rehearsed drama school production, I wanted the donkey to kick me in the head so I could erase this from my memory.

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