Another week, another superhero movie, part of the Spider-Man Cinematic Universe. Madame Web is one of the lesser known characters from Marvel and on evidence of the movie, I don;t think her popularity will rise. This is a mess of a film that seems to have a misleading trailer, a script that, in places, is entirely laughable and some of the worst editing since Bohemian Rhapsody (admittedly, the editors confessed they were under pressure to get the film finished for its release date). In short, Madame Web is a film with some interesting ideas, but it is poorly handled.

Cassandra Web is a paramedic who started having a sense of deja vu. She begins to see the events before they happen. Boarding a train, she sees three teenage girls being attacked by a mysterious man. Saving them from the attack, Cassandra has to find the secret of her exceptional skill and why the man wants the girls dead.

So far, so ok. It’s not the most excellent idea ever, but there should be an element of fun within the rather bland storyline. Sadly, it doesn’t get any better, as this origin story leaves you wondering if this is a superhero movie or just a tale of a woman who can predict the future. Mystic Meg The Movie.

Where the film struggles is just how dull the whole thing is. It finds itself on some loop of its own. Once Cassandra finds the girls, it becomes increasingly repetitive. The refuse to listen to her advice, she has to save them in the clumsiest of ways, they are caught up by the mysterious predator, rinse and repeat. When you consider that Cassandra’s only power is seeing the future, she manages to fight off the tougher, faster-moving predator who can poison his victims by just touching them. Meanwhile, the teenage girls scream, run, and banter between themselves without any actual character development.

Which is where the trailer is misleading. We see the three girls in various forms of Spider-Girls, including one with spider’s legs sprouting out of her back. Don’t think the movie will have impressive action scenes with these personas. They appear in a dream, and that’s about it. The filmmakers were obviously planning for a new franchise involving these heroes. After the events of this film, don’t hold your breath.

Then we have the script. Looking through the past triumphs of writers Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless, the evidence is clear that this wouldn’t be a scriptwriting masterpiece. Morbius, Gods of Egypt, and The Last Witch Hunter have all been disasters, so why wouldn’t this be any different. It isn’t. The lines are so poor that the cast seems to be reading them. Director S. J. Clarkson, making her feature debut after years of working on TV series including Eastenders and Life on Mars, struggles to inject life into an otherwise poorly written piece. Brimming with clunkers like: “They’re Teenagers Now, But In The Future…”, “When Your Heart Starts Back Up Again… You’re Fine” and my personal favourite “You Know The Best Thing About The Future? It Hasn’t Happened Yet”.

With all these elements in place, we just hope that the performances can hold it together, and in the case of the lead, it’s a valiant effort. Dakota Johnson, still trying to find something better than the Fifty Shades of Grey movies, is a charming persona who, with the suitable material, could be up there with the best around. Sadly, she, too, struggles with the script. She has to rely on her screen presence to pull us all through. Tahar Rahim, so good in the TV series The Serpent and the film The Mauritanian, is not great here, with a delivery that even the worst Bond villain would cringe at. It wouldn’t be a surprise if he said he was holding the world to ransom.

As for the teenage girls, star of the moment Sydney Sweeney, who excelled in the film Reality and is finding massive success in Anyone But You, is wasted here as Julia Cornwall, while the same can be said of Isabela Merced, who was winning as Dora in Dora and the Lost City of Gold, and Celeste O’Connor, who is one of the new Ghostbusters.

Madame Web just doesn’t work, and the only way it could have been if the whole thing had been played like a camp comedy. Instead, this is a drab, dull, forgettable origins story that doesn’t reveal the heroes until it’s too late. I would be astonished if this is the start of more adventures, but who knows in Hollywood anymore. I understand this is another nail in the coffin of superhero movies.

1 out of 5

Director: S.J. Clarkson

Director: Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, Celeste O’Connor, Tahar Rahim, Adam Scott, Mike Epps, Emma Roberts, Kerry Bishé

Written by: Claire Parker, S.C. Clarkson, (also story) Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless and (story) Kerem Sanga

Running Time: 118 mins

Cert: 12A

Release date: 14th February 2024